HOW MUCH DO I SUCK??? AKA BELATED BIRTHDAY WISHES

Ok, I'm a dick. Jen, I know I'm a dick. I publicly admit my dickishness in order to beg for your forgiveness!

My friend Jen's birthday is March 30th. Yep, that was yesterday. I SWORE her birthday was tomorrow, which I also swore was March 31. Yeah, not only am I dick that forgets what day her birthday is, but I also screw up the date that I *think* It is.

After realizing my profound dicky-ness, I called her immediately and begged her forgiveness. She was totally cool about it, way more forgiving than she should have been, and let me off the hook when I told her I'd take her out to dinner next week to celebrate.

To be honest, I don't know how she can even be friends with me! I forget to call back, write back, or even let her know I'm alive sometimes - and she's always just accepting of the fact that I'm a dick and remains one of my good friends.

So Jen, I hope you had a rockin' birthday and I promise dinner is on me next week. Just call me and remind me, ok?

KIDDING!

Love ya, babe. Happy belated! : )


- posted by Taunia @ 9:13 PM (0) comments

 
ALL-BEEF PATTY

First of all, what's up with my last journal entry?? Spelling errors, grammatical errors, and just plain stupid stuff in there. I must have been on crack that day. Anyhow...

Can I just tell you that this weekend rock'd the party?!? Friday night we were playing at the Sanctuary Concerts in Berkeley Heights, NJ - opening for the Bobs. They're a pretty well-known and established group and have a big following. We got up there and rocked out - but it was a weird place and weird audience and couldn't really tell how we went over until the end of the show when there was non-stop applause for us.

At the intermission, we went to our merchandise table and set up our stuff only to be bombarded with people buying our stuff and asking for autographs! We were all rock star, yo...and we sold a TON of stuff. Not only that, but the accounting guy brought over our check and told me that they paid us MORE than we were contracted for because we were so good. Right ON!

Saturday night was even better. We played at a kick-ass venue in NJ called The Point opening for our favorites: Groovelily. (Note: if you haven't heard Groovelily, you MUST. Go. Go now! GO to their website and buy their CD. You will love them. I promise!)



Val, Gene, and Brendan of Groovelily - they're so rockin!

The energy in that room was AMAZING and they LOVED us. So responsive and fun, and just a great time. Despite there being an ungodly alarm going off during all of "My Funny Valentine," it went well. In fact, the alarm only helped us because we were so cool and got through the tune with some humor. We also sold a ton MORE merchandise at that gig. Ben was perched up on a stool and it looked like a "meet and greet with Ben!" display. The chicks dig Ben though, so I'm all for some perching.

Saturday night we went out to a bar for some COLLEGE DRINKS and hit the jackpot: they had karaoke!! WHOO HOO! We ordered up some spirits and got busy on the mic, yo. Shah sang "Bye Bye Bye" from N'sync, I sang "Enough is Enough" from Donna Summer and Babs and then Ben sang some weird country song called "She thinks my tractor's sexy!" Again, the girls were loving him and he was hilarious. Damn him - always stealing the thunder!

Sunday we went and did a pre-recorded radio interview in NJ with our friend Ron Olesko. Ron is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He LOVES us, and he's always happy to give us some promo on his station. We actually did a promo spot for him that's a rap over the bassline from that song "Rapper's Delight (I said, a-hip, hop hip to the hippity hip hop)", with Amy singing "Traditions" from Fiddler over it. Then I wrote this little rap ditty over it:

We're hangin' with Ron and he's the mac-daddy
In the folk world he's an all-beef patty
Laying out the tunes and spinning out the fun
To All About Buford my man is # 1 !

dramatically: Roooooooooonnnn Oleskooooooo

89.1 WORD!

HA! That still cracks me up. All-beef patty. Man, I kill me!

One other thing I should point out is that I drove this weekend. Now, realize that I use the word "drove" very loosely. I'm sure Amy will elaborate more in her journal entry. Let's just suffice it to say that I'm a poor driver.

Ok, that's it for today. Watch this week for some Paris Hilton bashing on my journal. I have a few choice words about that skank, but I'll save that for another day. Adios pantalones!



- posted by Taunia @ 2:51 PM (0) comments

 
Jesus gets to hang at EVERYONE'S party

My friends Brian and Laurie are getting married and I am singing at their wedding. I feel a little bad because Laurie didn't get much of a choice in the matter. Brian and I have been friends since we were about 10, and a death threat was issued to him somewhere in our teens if he did NOT have me singing at his wedding. So, I got the job by being a tough-ass teenager.

I met them at the church last night. Let me state for the record that I *HATE* singing at weddings for one reason only: the church organist. Jazz singers are from venus and church organists are from Mars, my friend. Even so, I decided to go the meeting/rehearsal with him with an open mind.

I met Laurie at the church and HOLY JESUS. Literally. I called her on her cell and said, "are you kidding me with this?" The church was HUGE. GIGANTIC. But the inside was absolutely stunning....Princess Diana could have easily had her televised wedding here. In the center of the gigantic room was a big hanging Jesus on a cross. I said to Laurie, "does Jesus come down for the wedding?" She said, "no he stays." I said, "well, he DID die for our sins." Laurie said, "yeah, Jesus gets to hang at EVERYONE's party." Well done.

Now, we see this very round old dude sitting in the pews. We couldn't tell if he was praying or if he was the organist. I prayed to hanging Jesus to not let him be the organist or we were doomed. I guess Jesus was still mad at me and Laurie for joking, because round-man was indeed the organist.

Did I mention this is a Catholic wedding? Did I mention it's a MASS? When you're hanging with Jesus at a Mass for a Catholic wedding, you best pack a sleeping bag and toothbrush because you're going to be there for a while.

We start going through the program. Ave Maria. That was a given. No problem. Then he asks Laurie what song I'm going to sing, and we pull out a lead sheet (please note: lead sheets are like ancient arabic scrolls to church organists) and hand it to him, and I made the mistake of saying "it's a jazz standard called 'That's All."

I thought round-old-man was going to have a heart-attack and need an on-site miracle from the Lord. "Jaaazzzz???" (please note: when a church organists says that, what they're really saying is "the DEVIL'S music?!??!) Laurie told him that Father John said there was some leeway with the music and he then starting mumbling under his breath about how they put him in a very awkward position and this is NOT good. He then starts playing it on the organ and I asked him if it was possible to play it on the piano behind the keyboard and he said no. Laurie looked frazzled, but I luckily had a copy of "The Prayer" - that nice little ditty that Celine and Andrea Bocelli sing. Devil=0, Taunia=1!

We rehearsed that and organist man decided to sing along. What fun! (please note: sarcasm. Even Jesus wasn't happy about this) He then starts suggesting Psalms that he'd sing and some other communion song, and then we had to decide on another song for me to sing. I shit you not, this is what he suggested:

"Do you know ALL I ASK OF YOU from Phantom of the Opera? We could sing it as a duet."

Swear. To. Hanging. Jesus.

Laurie and Brian didn't know the song, so I said, "I think that's a bad idea. I'm going to have to say no." Luckily they didn't fight that with me. I explained to them afterwards that it would have turned their wedding into a joke.

Every piece of music he suggested was the generic crap that's played at every wedding. Trumpet Voluntary, Ode to Joy, Pachebel's Canon in D. I had to just sit there with my mouth shut because I know Laurie and Brian don't realize that this is generic and just want the music prt of the wedding DONE. So, we finished up and i just decided to make the best of it and do what they wanted to do - which was really the four songs that round-old-man knows by heart.

I guess I'm a lot pickier because I AM a musician, but I was really insulted by his suggestions. He knew that they clearly didn't know anything and he just threw a LOT of information at them at once and didn't give them many options. They seemed relieved to have it over, and were more concerned about me being happy musically then themselves. I told them it would be beautiful and I'd adjust to round-old-man and they were happy.

Phantom of the Opera. Oh yeah, WAY more secular than a beautiful love song that happens to be a jazz standard. OY!
- posted by Taunia @ 4:30 PM (0) comments

 
I OFFICIALLY GIVE UP


You know, I try to remain optimistic...I really do. Even though I'm feeling pretty defeated in the love department, I have a few personals ads online that I keep there "just in case." I haven't met anyone from online in literally YEARS, because quite frankly there hasn't been one "quality" man to contact me.

I got some flack about this in a previous journal entry saying that I was "too picky" and maybe if I lowered my standards a little I'd find someone. I actually hear that a LOT about women over 30 who are single: that we need to basically take what we can get if we don't want to be alone.

FUCK THAT.

Want to see the type of man who's contacting me? CLICK THIS BAD BOY BELOW:

ONE OF NH'S FINEST

I'd rather be alone, thanks.
- posted by Taunia @ 8:49 AM (0) comments

 
AND IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER...

Ah, reviews. Had the first half of mine today, and the second half tomorrow. You know how I'm always saying that I'm going to get fired and then I don't actually get fired? Yeah, that's not this time. Well, sorta.

My review went pretty much as expected. My boss really likes me, and vice versa, and she was visibly uncomfortable having to talk to me. My absences are a big problem. I already knew that. The thing is, my personal life shouldn't interrupt my work life...and they really can only extend me a certain amount of understanding. She's been very understanding and done a lot to help me out, and I pretty much threw it in her face because I was upset. We had some discussion about it, and the final result was that I've got three months to get back to a place where my performance and attendance is satisfactory or I'm going to be out the door. I just felt bad because I know after I left she thought I wasn't appreciative of the things she's done to help...so I sent her an email and told her that I did and I'm sorry if it seemed otherwise. I think it's a little too late, though.

I couldn't even cry about this. I feel like I'mjust getting battered left and right by life. As Amy says, "I. Get. It!" I just felt defensive. I feel like I'm always on the defensive now. I'm physically and emotionally drained. What I actually wanted to do was drag Mr. X up to my review and have HIM explain why I had a lot of absences...but really, what's the point? I'm just not happy. I'm not happy there because I'm not doing music. I'm stuck at a desk crunching numbers and having to play the political game. You know, define "goals" and pretend that I don't know they're all having meetings about me. It's just ridiculous and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of the rules, I'm tired of having to answer to 8 different people, I'm tired of meetings and memos and watching the clock and all the backstabbing and undermining that goes on. I'm just TIRED. I don't want my life to be a carbon copy of Office Space.



Unfortunately, I'm still not financially in a place where I can task a risk and go back full-time to teaching. I'd also miss working at the BSO. Beyond the politics, I like most of the people there and have made a lot of friends. There are only a few bad seeds that spoil the bunch. (My boss P is not one of them, but unfortunately she's on the opposite team than me right now)

I just want some GOOD, ya know? Something nice or romantic or lucky to happen. I've always thought of myself as a pretty positive person, but the universe is sucking the life right the hell out of me. I want my happiness back. I don't really care about the job, I want my happiness.

I need a plan.
- posted by Taunia @ 10:02 PM (0) comments

 
For a little over a week now, I have been in a major depression. This happens every now and then where I am just so sad that I feel like my personality has been completely sucked out of me, leaving me lifeless except for the tears that are constantly welling up in my eyes. Worse, I keep stuffing my face full of really shitty food that I KNOW I shouldn't be eating. The carbs just add to the awful feeling - they make me feel sick and weighed down and bloated on top of being sad and weepy.

I think the reality of me having to see a therapist is unavoidable. I've resisted for a while for reasons that probably wouldn't make any sense to anyone - because I am truly a big advocate of therapy and/or counseling. But every time I fall into this depression, it last longer. It used to be a day or two, and now it's turning into a week or two at a time. That's no good. I don't like being or feeling this way, and I need to find a solution. I'm pulling out of it today, but I realize that this is not mentally healthy.

Recently, I bought a guitar. I had put it off for a while because people had told me I'd have to spend a pretty decent amount of money in order to get a decent guitar. While that's probably true, I've been feeling really frustrated because I want SO badly to learn and don't have any extra money for a good guitar right now. So, I went ahead and bought a reasonably priced beginner guitar so I could at least get started. I feel like this will be therapeutic for me in many ways. I'm pretty limited songwriting-wise because while I can play the piano, I'm not a very rhythmic player and that impedes the writing process. I have a lot of ideas that I just can't seem to get across because I don't have the tools to do that. The guitar is a very rhythmic instrument, and I'm hoping that it will help me in the creative process. That, and the fact that I'll be learning something new and practicing again will be good for me.

________________________________________________

In Fat Albert news, I do have a few low-carb tasty products that I'd like to highly recommend:

Russell Stover LOW CARB Chocolate Sauce - 18oz Glass Jar



Breyers CarbSmart™ Chocolate Ice Cream




There are only two things that I miss very, very much when doing the low-carb hang: pizza and ice cream. Both are like crack to me....I love them so much! When I found these two products above, I bought both with hesitation. I've tried a lot of low-carb products and haven't found a lot of winners - but these two rocked my world!

The chocolate sauce takes about 20-25 seconds to warm up in the microwave and the ice cream is smooth and creamy (Breyer's is my favorite brand, and this lives up to the standards to which I've grown accustomed in ice cream). Topped with some nuts (how appropriate considering the week I've had), I had myself a fancy low-carb sundae. The only thing missing was the whipped cream, which I didn't have at the time.

So, keeping with tradition, I award these two products 5 ALBERTS!



Please note: there is no 5 albert graphic! Until today, there hasn't been a need for one, but both Amy and I had 5 Alberty goodness things!

Ah geez. Now I want a Sundae. I gotta go.
- posted by Taunia @ 4:22 PM (0) comments

 
100% NATURAL, JUST LIKE MY HAIR

For those of you who don't know, I've been trying out the carb-free way of life. I started the second week of January and have lost 19 lbs, but for the last week I haven't lost anything thanks to Mother Nature. My body is now retaining enough to have me declared an official body of water on the map. Still, 19 lbs isn't so bad.

Let's recap the progress over the past 3.5 years, shall we?

Year one: lost 50 lbs.
Year two: gained 34 back
Year three: managed to not gain back the last 16
Now: back down another 19
Total lost: 35 lbs

I've even cheated a bit here and there, but for the most part, I find this pretty easy to stick too. My body sort of rejects sugar and dough-y things now. I always feel like crap after I eat it, so I'm not as tempted anymore.

Now before any of you start lecturing me, let me just state that I STILL eat fruits and veggies, I only cut out sugar and flours for now. But that leads me to today's topic: fake sugar.

I always buy a couple no-carb treats so I don't feel deprived. Today's treat was:



Now, these are fake M&M's. They call them T&T's which cracks me up for some reason.
The T&T's aren't so yummy, either. They look kind of scary too - but sometimes you overlook nastiness when you just want some candy in your mouth.

So, as I'm eating, I check out the label:



Three very important things to note:

1. Check out what the label says, bottom right hand corner:

***NOTE: For those watching carbs, count 2 grams as all other carbs, including fiber, have a minimal impact on blood sugar.

Uh, for those watching carbs... yeah, WHO ELSE would buy this shitty candy??? They may as well write, "Hey Fatty, these are only 2 carbs - so go nuts!"

2. Right above Nutrition Facts, you'll find this lovely tip:

Excessive consumption may have a laxative effect.

As soon as I read that, consumption ended. I'm all set with laxative effects, thank you. I'm not needing any extra help after school with T&T for that.

3. You can't see this, but on the left hand side of the package, they state:

No artificial colors, no artificial flavors so that health-conscious consumers of all ages can indulge in our complete candy and nutrition bar line and enjoy the goodness of Think Thin.

Now, I don't know about you, but I consider anything that doesn't pop out of the ground or graze around in a yard UNnatural. Yeah, natural my ASS! My Loreal Preference is natural too - made from bananas or some such shit.

All I'm saying is don't try to fool me. I know I'm eating your shitty fake candy - you don't need to try and convince me it's natural or a safe alternative. Anything that's purple and crunchy on the outside is some fake shit, my friends....and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

So there's the T&T report for today. Amy recently reinstated the Fat Albert Rating System, and therefore I feel obliged to give the T&T's the following:



That's right, yo. One. Outta five, and that's generous. Even Albert in all his fatty glory wouldn't eat your shitty candy.

If anyone finds some really good, non-poopy, low-gram, somewhat-natural carb subsitutions, send 'em my way!



- posted by Taunia @ 3:10 PM (0) comments