Jesus gets to hang at EVERYONE'S party

My friends Brian and Laurie are getting married and I am singing at their wedding. I feel a little bad because Laurie didn't get much of a choice in the matter. Brian and I have been friends since we were about 10, and a death threat was issued to him somewhere in our teens if he did NOT have me singing at his wedding. So, I got the job by being a tough-ass teenager.

I met them at the church last night. Let me state for the record that I *HATE* singing at weddings for one reason only: the church organist. Jazz singers are from venus and church organists are from Mars, my friend. Even so, I decided to go the meeting/rehearsal with him with an open mind.

I met Laurie at the church and HOLY JESUS. Literally. I called her on her cell and said, "are you kidding me with this?" The church was HUGE. GIGANTIC. But the inside was absolutely stunning....Princess Diana could have easily had her televised wedding here. In the center of the gigantic room was a big hanging Jesus on a cross. I said to Laurie, "does Jesus come down for the wedding?" She said, "no he stays." I said, "well, he DID die for our sins." Laurie said, "yeah, Jesus gets to hang at EVERYONE's party." Well done.

Now, we see this very round old dude sitting in the pews. We couldn't tell if he was praying or if he was the organist. I prayed to hanging Jesus to not let him be the organist or we were doomed. I guess Jesus was still mad at me and Laurie for joking, because round-man was indeed the organist.

Did I mention this is a Catholic wedding? Did I mention it's a MASS? When you're hanging with Jesus at a Mass for a Catholic wedding, you best pack a sleeping bag and toothbrush because you're going to be there for a while.

We start going through the program. Ave Maria. That was a given. No problem. Then he asks Laurie what song I'm going to sing, and we pull out a lead sheet (please note: lead sheets are like ancient arabic scrolls to church organists) and hand it to him, and I made the mistake of saying "it's a jazz standard called 'That's All."

I thought round-old-man was going to have a heart-attack and need an on-site miracle from the Lord. "Jaaazzzz???" (please note: when a church organists says that, what they're really saying is "the DEVIL'S music?!??!) Laurie told him that Father John said there was some leeway with the music and he then starting mumbling under his breath about how they put him in a very awkward position and this is NOT good. He then starts playing it on the organ and I asked him if it was possible to play it on the piano behind the keyboard and he said no. Laurie looked frazzled, but I luckily had a copy of "The Prayer" - that nice little ditty that Celine and Andrea Bocelli sing. Devil=0, Taunia=1!

We rehearsed that and organist man decided to sing along. What fun! (please note: sarcasm. Even Jesus wasn't happy about this) He then starts suggesting Psalms that he'd sing and some other communion song, and then we had to decide on another song for me to sing. I shit you not, this is what he suggested:

"Do you know ALL I ASK OF YOU from Phantom of the Opera? We could sing it as a duet."

Swear. To. Hanging. Jesus.

Laurie and Brian didn't know the song, so I said, "I think that's a bad idea. I'm going to have to say no." Luckily they didn't fight that with me. I explained to them afterwards that it would have turned their wedding into a joke.

Every piece of music he suggested was the generic crap that's played at every wedding. Trumpet Voluntary, Ode to Joy, Pachebel's Canon in D. I had to just sit there with my mouth shut because I know Laurie and Brian don't realize that this is generic and just want the music prt of the wedding DONE. So, we finished up and i just decided to make the best of it and do what they wanted to do - which was really the four songs that round-old-man knows by heart.

I guess I'm a lot pickier because I AM a musician, but I was really insulted by his suggestions. He knew that they clearly didn't know anything and he just threw a LOT of information at them at once and didn't give them many options. They seemed relieved to have it over, and were more concerned about me being happy musically then themselves. I told them it would be beautiful and I'd adjust to round-old-man and they were happy.

Phantom of the Opera. Oh yeah, WAY more secular than a beautiful love song that happens to be a jazz standard. OY!
- posted by Taunia @ 4:30 PM