WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED TO HEAR

Today was my friend Brian's wedding. He and I have known each other for years and I feel like he's a brother to me. I sang during the Mass. I was really nervous - so nervous that I actually popped a couple of my plane-anxiety pills to relax me. I NEVER get nervous singing: except at weddings.

I sang three pieces that they chose: Ave Maria, The Prayer, and The Wedding Song. A lot of my friends there had ever heard me sing classically, so they were a bit surprised to hear me singing Ave Maria in latin. When I sat back down, Suzanne leaned over and said, "Taunia, that was beautiful. I was really happy to hear that since my classical chops are a bit rusty. My other friend Brian was an usher, and he told me afterwards that he had no idea it was me singing until he turned the corner and that it was really beautiful. And believe me, that meant a lot because he doesn't toss out compliments lightly.

Everyone on both sides of the family were very complimentary and really very sweet. I was glad to be part of the wedding, and glad that everyone enjoyed it so much.

One thing that really, really had a profound affect on me was something Brian's (the groom) mom Donna said to me. Now Donna is the idyllic mother that everyone wants to have. A sweet, sweet lady. She's totally foxy, totally hip, and gushes over her son. Her affection for him is overwhelming, really. I was always jealous of it.

Just before I was about to leave, Donna grabbed me and hugged me and said, "Taunia, you're so beautiful. Your voice is so beautiful. You've accomplished so much and I'm so proud of you. I really mean that. I'm very proud of you." I couldn't even help myself: I burst into tears.

Just yesterday, my parents and I got into a pretty big argument because I said that I thought they didn't take me seriously as a musician and they pretty much confirmed it for me. I work SO hard and I'm so passionate about what I do - and to them, it's just some simple hobby and I'm just a slacker.

All my life I've wanted their approval and I've just recently realized that I will never get it from them. I want them to be proud of me and to boast to people about what I do - they don't.

They've never once said they are proud of me. Never. To hear Donna say that was just so emotional for me. I knew she meant it, and I know she loves me and all of Brian's friend. Somehow I think she knew how badly I needed to hear that just once in my life - and her timing couldn't have been more perfect.

"I'm so proud of you." If you have someone in your life - whether it be a child, a spouse, a friend, whatever - tell them you are proud of their accomplishments. Believe me, they need to hear it.
- posted by Taunia @ 11:48 PM (0) comments

 
Back at the doubleya doublya

That's right kids, I've abandoned the no-carb thing. I mean, was I on CRACK? I love pizza too much. Way too much.

I decided to go back to Weight Watchers because it's the only thing that ever worked for me, and I should just stick with it. I went and weighed in only to find that my scale at home is TEN POUNDS lighter than their scale. Ouch.

After weighing in, I went to the store and spent $100.00 on low-point/WW friendly items. I had cleared out my cabinets of all my shitty Atkins stuff** and needed some food. I'm on a mission.

Up to this point I've always wanted to lose weight for vanity reasons - to look better. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my health and I need to get my ass in gear. I'm 32, take insulin and high blood pressure medications and I am completely petrified of dying. Seriously...I just want to live as long as possible. So, I'm back.

I promise I won't be obnoxious talking about it all the time on here, I'll just give you the big updates (10, 20, etc).

So, here's to low points, high fiber, and living until I'm 105!
- posted by Taunia @ 12:01 PM (0) comments

 

ALL MY EXES DO NOT LIVE IN TEXAS

Speaking of Texas, there's one ex that I'd like to send back there immediately: the future ex-President. Nice speech, W. Why don't you just skip all the details and be nebulous, huh? Oy. I'll save that rant for another day.

I've been feeling very anti-man of late. Not man-hating or anything, just not really interested in dating or being involved with anyone right now. I think it stems from being really let down by Mr. X, but I'm not upset about feeling this way either. I like my own company and really like being by myself on the rare few occassions that I can.

I was just thinking that the past couple of week's have been a bit ex-y. We recently did a gig at The Vanilla Bean Cafe in Vermont. R, a guy I dated a bit a few years back, contacted me and asked if his group could open for us. I believe in extending opportunities if you can because someday you may need one of your own, so we said yes.

His group was really charming. Completely different from us, but very charming. A few days later he sent a note thanking me (and the band) for letting them open and closed by saying "watched the DVD and the blonde chick in the band is really, really hot." That was cute and made me laugh. It was nice to see him.

If you scan back a couple of entries, you'll see a little tribute that I wrote to my first love, Jake. We haven't spoken in a very long time, but I sent him an email with the link because I wanted him to know how I felt about that period of my life. He wrote back with a very nice note and said he was glad that I was there to share those years in his life too.

Even after all these years he still has a positive affect on me. After dealing with Mr. X and being treated so cruelly for so long, it was nice to be reminded that there still ARE nice, kind guys still out there....especially ones who respect and appreciate me.

Mr. X has been out of the picture for a long time, but today I got a reminder of why he was so wrong for me. I came in and sat down at my desk today to find a blue plastic bag with a bunch of stuff in it. It was filled with all of my things that I had left at his place. No note, not anything attached. Very cold and detached - just like he always has been. The difference is, I feel cold and detached about him now too.

There are no feelings left for him, and that is a little sad for me. Jake also said to me once: "you never stop loving someone you were in love with. You may not be IN love with them anymore, but you'll always care." I always believed that to be true until now because I do not love Mr. X anymore. I don't hate him either. I just feel....nothing.

- posted by Taunia @ 2:26 PM (0) comments

 

OH! And....if you'd like to see all things musical in my life, check out my new webpage here:

tauniasoderquist.com

- posted by Taunia @ 12:24 AM (0) comments

 

WHEN HE WAS PART OF MY LIFE

When I was in college, I had a lot of emotional turmoil and just general growing-up to do. Luckily, I also met my first love - Jake - who proved to be a major influence in my life. He probably didn't know it at the time, and I certainly didn't know it - but the two years we spent together had a really profound affect on my life and it's direction.

Even though I was much thinner than I am now, I was
incredibly insecure about my looks. I thought I was unattractive, enormous, and that no one would ever really love me. It's really no surprise that I felt that way, because my family and society told me that I couldn't possibly be loved if I was heavy. Then Jake came along.

The funny thing is, he asked me out at the most unfortunate moment: I was in between classes, had a dollar to my name, bought a candy bar for lunch and just as I had a giant mouthful of snickers...he said my name and asked me out. If a man loves you with a mouthful of snickers, you know he's good people.

Jake loved me for me. He never once made me feel unattractive and constantly complemented me. There was never any bullshit with him - he was a straight-shooter - so you knew whatever he said, he meant. I loved that about him, and I loved that he saw things in me that I couldn't see in myself.

Although I had listened to jazz before, I really had no direction with it until I met him. He was very serious about music and practiced a LOT. He bought me my first Clifford Brown album: Study In Brown. I love that album. For those of you who don't know, Clifford Brown was an amazing bebop trumpet player who died tragically young at 25 in a car crash, but who's music made a huge impact in the world of jazz. I heard that album and fell in love. To this day, if I was stranded on an island and could have only one CD with me, that would be it.

He kicked my ass musically. I would sometimes slack off, and he reminded me how easy things came to me while he had to work his ass off and that I shouldn't take that for granted. It was true. I didn't study a lot of theory because ear training and aural things came very naturally to me. He pushed me to better myself in the areas that I was weak in, and I did.

He never sugar-coated things for me, and that was probably the most loving thing he could have done for me musically. I remember one year for Valentine's Day, I had worked on this arrangement of My Funny Valentine that Sarah Vaughan had done. It was very difficult vocally, and I had a little hissy fit before the show. I didn't think I could pull it off. He very firmly told me to get it together and stop being ridiculous. I remember thinking that he was a little harsh, but something he said affected me. I went out on stage and gave one of my best performances EVER. After the show, he ran down the hall yelling "You did it! You did it!" He was so excited and he hugged me and told me how great it was. I'll never forget how proud he was, and how loving that moment was. To this day, I'll always be thankful to him for for that, because I know my shit and I'm pretty confident that vocally I'll pull almost anything off... and instrumentalists take me seriously and respect me because of that.

The most important thing he ever said to me, though, was always in my most low, depressed moments: that if I wanted my life to be better, I had to make changes. Without ME making a change, then life would stay the same and I would always be unhappy. Pretty straight-forward and obvious, but when you're depressed, it's hard to see that changes CAN be made. And the most important change was one that I didn't even do - he did. He broke up with me after two years.

That was a really tough period for me, because he was the first man to love me, and he was the first man I loved. Looking back, I know I was WAY too needy - he was everything to me, and all of my plans and every day of my life was planned around him because I really had nothing of my own going on. It's really funny to think that I used to be like that, actually, because I'm the complete opposite now.

I was devasted when he broke up with me, but now I know it was probably the best thing he could have ever done for me. When I realized he wasn't coming back, I hit the practice rooms. I stayed in there for hours learning piano, music theory, and practicing. And you know what? I can read/play anything you put in front of me now. Not the most stylistic player, but I'm a damn good sightreader. Those hours spent in the practice rooms could have been spent crying in my bed, but I knew that was not where I should be. I needed to make changes, and things only got better musically for me.

I continue to live by that rule: I have to make changes if I'm not happy. For the past few months, I realized that I was constantly struggling between my day job and music, that I was exhausted, and very unhappy. Both are full time jobs, and I just couldn't work 7 days a week anymore. The safe thing to do would be cut back on music. The BSO/day job has great benefits, a regular paycheck....but it wouldn't make me happy because I sit at a desk all day long crunching numbers.

So, I wrote a proposal to my bosses and I cut back my hours at the BSO (my day job). I somehow negotiated working Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday at the hall and keeping ALL my benefits. They're being incredibly understanding and supportive, and I'm glad I took the initiative to make that happen.

Part of the reason to cut back on my hours was because I decided to take on more students. I know that I am a good teacher, I enjoy it, and I feel like I'm able to use my skills as a vocalist to inspire other people. (I also make twice as much money per hour teaching voice) I now teach on Monday and Wednesday nights, and a full day on Thursday. I have Fridays off because my weekends are usually spent working and traveling with the band. Am I happy about this? Hell yeah. Change is good, and my income and work are under my terms and wants/needs. There's lots of good things happening musically, and all because I made some changes.

Jake and I don't talk any more. I ask friends about him from time to time. He lives in California with his girlfriend and has become really successful as a marching band director and music educator. I'm happy for him, because I know how much of a positive impact he can be on people.

He'll probably never know how much he added to my life, but I'll always be thankful that he was part of it.

- posted by Taunia @ 11:10 PM (0) comments