TELL ME A STORY, GRANDMA!

Hello boys and girls! Who wants to hear a few stories about crazy Taunia!??

Well, a loonnnggg time ago back in April, our heroin was racing home to get her friend home for a party. We'll call her friend "Owes me $50." Owes-me always has some gala affair to go to because he's just so in demand! Well, not at the courthouse...but I digress.

So, T and Owes-me** were driving at a fairly fast rate on Rt. 90 in Framingham when we spotted a State Trooper up ahead and we slowed down. But the Copper was onto us...he slowed down too: to about 40 miles per hour (on the Mass Pike!) so that we HAD to pass him. And you know as soon we did, he pulled us over. I got a $150 ticket. $150!!!! $50 of that was a "head-injury" penalty - which is basically a state-imposed ridiculous thing that now turns our police officers into tax collectors. Of course, I was appealing this crap.

So I went to the court yesterday morning at 10:15 in Framingham. In order for me to get up, take a shower, eat breakfast and fight traffic to get there early enough to figure out where I was supposed to go, that meant I had to wake up at 6:30. (Reminder: my new schedule has me awake until 3:00 am). All that to find out he'd only knock off $50 from the ticket. If I had known that, I would have just stayed in bed and paid the extra $50!

**Note: Owes-me doesn't really owe me $50. He never asked me to speed. I just like to blame him for fun.

PART II: THE MAD RUSSIAN

As you know, I am forever battling the extra L-B's. Two years ago, I lost 50 lbs. Last year, I gained back 25. This past year, I just keep going back and forth with the same 10-15 lbs. It's frustrating, emotional, and never-ending. I've just lost my oomph. I can't get motivated....so I thought I'd give the Mad Russian a try.

I've heard stories about him before: he somehow can hypnotize people to stop smoking, get over their phobias and lose weight. Shah actually saw him three years ago, and to this day has not smoked one cigarette. My dad heard about him from a client (the client has stopped smoking for 2 years and his wife lost 100 lbs). My dad said he'd go if I'd go - so we made a deal.

I went with two of my friends who are not fat at all - they both just carry some extra lbs that they struggle with. We figured worst case scenario, we'd have a funny story to talk about.

We get to the Mad Russian's office in Brookline, and it's an old brownstone. The waiting room is VERY old-school: dark wood furniture, tons of oil paintings surrounded by seriously thick and gawdy fake-gold frames, and a LOT of fat people.
(Fat people aren't necessarily old-school, they were just sitting in the old-school room)

I never knew what the Mad Russian looked like, and I expected a tall, menacing-type man. Instead, the cutests little old guy in a nice suit came out and motioned for us to all go in and sit down. He immediately started by telling us he had a thick accent and that we should interrupt him if we couldn't hear him. (Later we found out we shouldn't interrupt him)

He began by going around the room asking if anyone had any pain and where it was located. When someone said they had pain - he then waved his hands in the air and said, "No more pain, right?" Almost everyone said "yes, no more pain!" I actually DID have a lot of pain, but didn't really feel like informing everyone that I have a giant painful cyst on my ovary, so I lied and said that I was fine.

For the next three hours, he lectured us on a number of different topics. I wish I could go into great detail about it, but I honestly only understood about 70% of what the dude was saying. My hearing loss and his heavy Russian accent don't make for the best results. I do know that he said to almost everyone "Calm down! You're so emotional! We're not in a mental hospital!" No one was emotional or crazy. It was actually pretty funny - because no one knew what the hell he was talking about.

He also discussed how we have a warped view of attractive and that Russian men like voluptuous women. He talked about how we over-medicate in this country, too easily blame things on ADD, the schools systems, and then he showed us a magic trick that involved two tissues. Yeah, NUTS. All-told, I thought he was insane, but I really, really liked him.

At the end of the group class, he had each of us go in to see him individually. I went in and he had me close my eyes and we did three different exercizes. He said for me to make a mental list in my head of the things that I do not want to crave anymore, and that he could erase the cravings from my mind. (Pizza, chinese food, Smart Food, Coke, Ben & Jerry's.....I was sitting there for a while....)

Next, he had me list all of the emotional reasons I ate. (Comfort, lonely, sad, happy, bored, etc.)

Last, he had me repeat these phrases: "I like to eat large portions" and "I don't like to exercize." Then he said he erased both those thoughts too.

Um, ok.

After he had me open my eyes and he said:

"You! You have one of the most beautiful faces in the world. You lose a little of this (points to my stomach), and ALL MEN will be in love with you. But you know this."

Ok dude...that right there, worth the $65!

So how do I feel? Honestly? I don't feel cured or anything, but I definitely feel motivated and that could just be my own brain playing tricks on me. But hey, if $65 later I feel more motivated and more careful about exercizing and eating less, then that's good enough for me.

And, she lived happily ever after.

The End.









- posted by Taunia @ 5:17 PM (0) comments

 
A VERY SAD DAY

Most of you who read this probably know Shah, who is one of my best friends. This morning, Shah's partner of over 12 years passed away due to complications from heart surgery. His name was Doug Malandrino.

Douggie was one of those people that everyone liked. He was always a happy-go-lucky guy, fun to be around, and funny. People often went to him for advice, because he had a kind heart and a great outlook on things.

He was a bus driver for the Manchester, NH public bus system and he LOVED his job. He was a great storyteller, and would desribe in great detail the many characters (good, crazy, and otherwise) that rode his bus - and he loved them all. Honestly, I'd never met anyone who loved their job as much as Douggie did. And the passengers loved him equally as much. When they found out he was in the hospital, they sent a letter to the editor of the local paper saying that Douggie was in their prayers and they hoped he got well and returned to work soon.

But the greatest thing about Doug was how happy he made Shah. Shah is one of my best friends, transplanted here with no family from Malaysia almost 20 years ago. Doug WAS his family. He was an amazing presence of love and support in Shah's life.

His heart was not physically strong enough to carry on, but his spirit and kindness always will. We will miss you, my friend.

Note: for anyone wishing to send Shah condolences, you can send him an email to: shah@allaboutbuford.com.
- posted by Taunia @ 1:41 PM (0) comments

 
SOMEBODY CALL GAMBLER'S ANNONYMOUS

Anyone who knows me well will tell you without any hesitation that I am competitive. I am brutally competitive. Most people don't like to play games with me for that reason. I have a few friends who are equally as competitive, but I've found no one to match my desire to compete for anything and everything until I found Ben. This kid rawks.

He and I will be compete over anything we can. Poker? Bring it. Arm wrestling? Showdown. Thumb wrestling? You know it. I like to put money wagers on things, and have recently turned him on to the dark side: he know will wager money.

We now have a 5 game Scrabble series going on. Let me state for the record that the only thing that I can actually beat Ben at is poker. However, *I* taught him to play, so this winning streak will likely not last long. Scrabble, on the other hand, he almost ALWAYS beats me at. BUT, I am a worthy opponent and I'm so dead-set on winning, that I bet $25 on the best of 5 games.

The first game, I actually won - but somehow is not being counted as part of the series because we decided to go by accumulated scores last night. Take a look at our first official game (you'll have to scroll down a bit):



Yeah.

What.

The.

Fuck?

Dude got 3 bingos and one on a triple word score. I may as well pay him his $25 right now. Keeeerap. I'll still play the other 4 games, though, because I'm a glutton for punishment and I at least want to lose with some pride.

Friggin Ben. There's not a damn thing the kid can't do. Hmprf. DO notice that his name is IEATBABEEZ. That's right: fair warning to not leave your children alone with him or he will make a nice baby stew with your child.

The only thing that makes me feel better about this is the $25 I won from Amy the other night. She bet me that I couldn't stay awake the entire way home from NY in the car. In her favor, I have NEVER not slept in the car....but what she didn't realize was that when tempted with the Benjamins, there's no CHANCE I would sleep. I feel kind of bad about it though. A more fair wager would be for me to drive the entire way without either running into the sidewalk, going through the EZ Pass lane or just plain driving ass-y. I should give her a chance to win her money back, yo.

Nah. I gotta pay Ben.

I need help. Seriously.


- posted by Taunia @ 1:25 AM (0) comments