TELL ME A STORY, GRANDMA!

Hello boys and girls! Who wants to hear a few stories about crazy Taunia!??

Well, a loonnnggg time ago back in April, our heroin was racing home to get her friend home for a party. We'll call her friend "Owes me $50." Owes-me always has some gala affair to go to because he's just so in demand! Well, not at the courthouse...but I digress.

So, T and Owes-me** were driving at a fairly fast rate on Rt. 90 in Framingham when we spotted a State Trooper up ahead and we slowed down. But the Copper was onto us...he slowed down too: to about 40 miles per hour (on the Mass Pike!) so that we HAD to pass him. And you know as soon we did, he pulled us over. I got a $150 ticket. $150!!!! $50 of that was a "head-injury" penalty - which is basically a state-imposed ridiculous thing that now turns our police officers into tax collectors. Of course, I was appealing this crap.

So I went to the court yesterday morning at 10:15 in Framingham. In order for me to get up, take a shower, eat breakfast and fight traffic to get there early enough to figure out where I was supposed to go, that meant I had to wake up at 6:30. (Reminder: my new schedule has me awake until 3:00 am). All that to find out he'd only knock off $50 from the ticket. If I had known that, I would have just stayed in bed and paid the extra $50!

**Note: Owes-me doesn't really owe me $50. He never asked me to speed. I just like to blame him for fun.

PART II: THE MAD RUSSIAN

As you know, I am forever battling the extra L-B's. Two years ago, I lost 50 lbs. Last year, I gained back 25. This past year, I just keep going back and forth with the same 10-15 lbs. It's frustrating, emotional, and never-ending. I've just lost my oomph. I can't get motivated....so I thought I'd give the Mad Russian a try.

I've heard stories about him before: he somehow can hypnotize people to stop smoking, get over their phobias and lose weight. Shah actually saw him three years ago, and to this day has not smoked one cigarette. My dad heard about him from a client (the client has stopped smoking for 2 years and his wife lost 100 lbs). My dad said he'd go if I'd go - so we made a deal.

I went with two of my friends who are not fat at all - they both just carry some extra lbs that they struggle with. We figured worst case scenario, we'd have a funny story to talk about.

We get to the Mad Russian's office in Brookline, and it's an old brownstone. The waiting room is VERY old-school: dark wood furniture, tons of oil paintings surrounded by seriously thick and gawdy fake-gold frames, and a LOT of fat people.
(Fat people aren't necessarily old-school, they were just sitting in the old-school room)

I never knew what the Mad Russian looked like, and I expected a tall, menacing-type man. Instead, the cutests little old guy in a nice suit came out and motioned for us to all go in and sit down. He immediately started by telling us he had a thick accent and that we should interrupt him if we couldn't hear him. (Later we found out we shouldn't interrupt him)

He began by going around the room asking if anyone had any pain and where it was located. When someone said they had pain - he then waved his hands in the air and said, "No more pain, right?" Almost everyone said "yes, no more pain!" I actually DID have a lot of pain, but didn't really feel like informing everyone that I have a giant painful cyst on my ovary, so I lied and said that I was fine.

For the next three hours, he lectured us on a number of different topics. I wish I could go into great detail about it, but I honestly only understood about 70% of what the dude was saying. My hearing loss and his heavy Russian accent don't make for the best results. I do know that he said to almost everyone "Calm down! You're so emotional! We're not in a mental hospital!" No one was emotional or crazy. It was actually pretty funny - because no one knew what the hell he was talking about.

He also discussed how we have a warped view of attractive and that Russian men like voluptuous women. He talked about how we over-medicate in this country, too easily blame things on ADD, the schools systems, and then he showed us a magic trick that involved two tissues. Yeah, NUTS. All-told, I thought he was insane, but I really, really liked him.

At the end of the group class, he had each of us go in to see him individually. I went in and he had me close my eyes and we did three different exercizes. He said for me to make a mental list in my head of the things that I do not want to crave anymore, and that he could erase the cravings from my mind. (Pizza, chinese food, Smart Food, Coke, Ben & Jerry's.....I was sitting there for a while....)

Next, he had me list all of the emotional reasons I ate. (Comfort, lonely, sad, happy, bored, etc.)

Last, he had me repeat these phrases: "I like to eat large portions" and "I don't like to exercize." Then he said he erased both those thoughts too.

Um, ok.

After he had me open my eyes and he said:

"You! You have one of the most beautiful faces in the world. You lose a little of this (points to my stomach), and ALL MEN will be in love with you. But you know this."

Ok dude...that right there, worth the $65!

So how do I feel? Honestly? I don't feel cured or anything, but I definitely feel motivated and that could just be my own brain playing tricks on me. But hey, if $65 later I feel more motivated and more careful about exercizing and eating less, then that's good enough for me.

And, she lived happily ever after.

The End.









- posted by Taunia @ 5:17 PM