MASSACHUSETTS GIRLS

A joke from my friend Laurie...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from
Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but
on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were
done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes and; the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Massachusetts girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough
to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a
landscaper.
- posted by Taunia @ 2:01 PM (0) comments

 
MY CRAZY AUNT EVIE

I've talked about her before. You may remember her from a small yard sale she in in her yard with all but two items: a bird and a tire. This was confirmed by a cardboard sign written in black crayon that said: BIRD AND TIRE SALE!

My aunt is crazy, and her craziness makes her simultaneously annoying and endearing. She is OLD SCHOOL. She still "sets her hair" and uses "the hopper" when she goes to the bathroom. She's cranky and old. She'll be 70 in September.

So today I decided to take her out for the day since it was so nice out. We went out to lunch at the 99. Without fail, she can't hear a damn thing that people say to her in a restaraunt and always pulls her head up, squints and says "EH???" Then the waitperson always gives me this look like, "OHHHH. She's deaf as a haddock."

Because of her hearing problems, she talks REALLY LOUD, so everyone in the restaraunt knows what she's saying. She watches the news a lot and reads the paper every day, but she never talks about the headline stories. She likes the small local lunatics. Today she told me about an 8 yr old girl who stole a needle from her mother's dresser and stabbed 8 kids with it. She then proceeded to tell me the girl should get a whoopin and be thrown in jail. As you can tell, she's got very little tolerance for poorly behaved children.

Afterwards, I took her to Walmart where we shopped for curtains. I think shopping for curtains at Walmart has to be some karmic punishment for me, because all I want to do while I'm there is gouge out my stomache with a curtain rod. That shit is TACKY, and she looks at every detail and studies every package lovingly just wishing they had them in a size 24L. I've never actually seen her BUY curtains, but she's ALWAYS shopping for them.

At one point, she decided she needed some new undershirts and she pulled down her blouse to show me. We couldn't find them, so she walked up to the Walmart employ, pulled down her shirt, and was promptly told they didn't have any. I told her she couldn't just going around flashing people and she said, "I'm 70. I can do whatever I damn well please!"

Yeah you can!

Afterwards we left and stopped for ice cream and then went home. The thing that I love about going out with her (besides her incredibly bizarre antics) is that I know she truly loves being with me and is really appreciative that I spend time with her. She confirms this when saying goodbye by yelling out, "Call me if you have time next week and we'll go out. You know, check on me. I could be dead up there!"
- posted by Taunia @ 7:26 PM (0) comments

 
OH LORDY, THERE'S SO MUCH TO TELL!

My boss is a slavedriver...

Being self-employed is the hardest work I've ever done. Before, I could intersperse my chatting, emailing and websurfing through the day with some actual work since I was on someone else's dime and had some job security. Now, I have to haul ass to make sure anything happens for ME. I'm having to make lists, write every damn thing down, and be ORGANIZED. Being organized is not a strength for me. I'm more of a whirlwind/chaos kind of gal. All the plastic bins, folders, and file drawers in the world won't help me. Anyhow, it's a lot o' work on my plate right now, and my sink is full of 'em. (How's THAT for a lame-ass analogy??)

The winds of change...

Anyone who reads this may already know about the changes in All About Buford. We decided to part ways and go in different directions. It was sad, but it's the best thing for everyone involved and somehow we managed to part ways somewhat amicably, which helps make moving forward a bit easier for us all. I have high hopes for All About Buford and for the new band...which brings me to:




Although I was a bit resistant at first about our new band name, it's starting to grow on me. We had a photo shoot on Sunday and gussied up the new site. I'm really excited about this new project! We're trying to take a streamlined direction with sex appeal and sophisticated music that's heavily influenced by jazz (but not really jazz). Ben and Shah were WORKING IT...and they both looked totally hot. I, on the other hand, looked as though if someone stuck a pin in me, I'd deflate like a balloon. It's always a little shocking to me when pictures prove my mirror to be a complete liar. The pic above is a little cartoon-y, but I think it's cool. We've got a whole spread of new pics on the website, so check it out!

It's a ton of work getting this up and running, but we luckily have the ability to ride on our own coattails and that's working well for us. If you're interested in knowing more about the band, check us out at Vote For Pedro (www.pedroband.com). But do me a favor? Be sure to keep an eye out on All About Buford too. I expect nothing but kick-ass things from both bands. :)

Ain't nothin' but a nomad....

My friend Christopher used to joke that he had about 10 different pages in his address book dedicated just to me because I moved so much. Make it 11, because I'm moving again!

My best friend Suzanne just bought a huge house in Chelmsford, MA and asked me to move in with her. We are both terminally single and I consider her my sister - part of my family. We always joked that we'd be old spinsters living together in old age. I guess we're just starting a little early. I also call her my sugar-momma because there's no way I could get a house this big on my own.

It's a split level ranch, 5 bedrooms and 2 baths. We each have a bedroom and home office, and then we'll have a guest room. There's a kitchen, dining room, living room, laundry room, and even a big "party" room where we'll have a pool table, poker table, TV, and game room. In addition, she has an acre of land in the backyard...so it's HUGE and Julip will love that. I'm pretty lucky, and feel really lucky that she enjoys my company enough to want me as her roommate again. (We were roommates in college!) She's a generous person - always has been - and it will be a lot of fun.

Speaking of Suzanne, she's doing an amazing thing right now: she's training to run a marathon in Dublin to raise money for Cancer research, awareness, and support. She needs to meet her fundraising goal of $5000, so it would be AWESOME if you'd stop by her page and donate a little something. Most of us have been touched by cancer in some way or another, and every dollar counts. You can read more about it on her fundraising page: Team In Training.

The adventures of Fat Girl...

Amy had review a book by Wendy McClure and recommended it to me. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this book. I didn't know much about Wendy except that she found some extraordinarily funny old Weight Watchers cards and put them up on a website. This woman is hilarious, sarcastic, and real. She started the book out talking about herself as an overweight superhero, and I was hooked. I pre-ordered it on amazon.com based on Amy's review of it, and I just got it a couple days ago and haven't been able to put it down. (Ok, well, amid the tornado that IS my workload these days...I've been reading).



If you've ever dealt with weight issues, or even if you just want to read some really funny shit, you HAVE to get this book. Go! Right now! Purchase!

It makes me want to jump on the fat-girl bandwagon and write a book about my fatness. But maybe not. I'll just keep that to myself and wait for my skin to deflate. Happy reading, and I'll be back soon!
- posted by Taunia @ 10:07 PM (0) comments