MY CRAZY AUNT EVIE

I've talked about her before. You may remember her from a small yard sale she in in her yard with all but two items: a bird and a tire. This was confirmed by a cardboard sign written in black crayon that said: BIRD AND TIRE SALE!

My aunt is crazy, and her craziness makes her simultaneously annoying and endearing. She is OLD SCHOOL. She still "sets her hair" and uses "the hopper" when she goes to the bathroom. She's cranky and old. She'll be 70 in September.

So today I decided to take her out for the day since it was so nice out. We went out to lunch at the 99. Without fail, she can't hear a damn thing that people say to her in a restaraunt and always pulls her head up, squints and says "EH???" Then the waitperson always gives me this look like, "OHHHH. She's deaf as a haddock."

Because of her hearing problems, she talks REALLY LOUD, so everyone in the restaraunt knows what she's saying. She watches the news a lot and reads the paper every day, but she never talks about the headline stories. She likes the small local lunatics. Today she told me about an 8 yr old girl who stole a needle from her mother's dresser and stabbed 8 kids with it. She then proceeded to tell me the girl should get a whoopin and be thrown in jail. As you can tell, she's got very little tolerance for poorly behaved children.

Afterwards, I took her to Walmart where we shopped for curtains. I think shopping for curtains at Walmart has to be some karmic punishment for me, because all I want to do while I'm there is gouge out my stomache with a curtain rod. That shit is TACKY, and she looks at every detail and studies every package lovingly just wishing they had them in a size 24L. I've never actually seen her BUY curtains, but she's ALWAYS shopping for them.

At one point, she decided she needed some new undershirts and she pulled down her blouse to show me. We couldn't find them, so she walked up to the Walmart employ, pulled down her shirt, and was promptly told they didn't have any. I told her she couldn't just going around flashing people and she said, "I'm 70. I can do whatever I damn well please!"

Yeah you can!

Afterwards we left and stopped for ice cream and then went home. The thing that I love about going out with her (besides her incredibly bizarre antics) is that I know she truly loves being with me and is really appreciative that I spend time with her. She confirms this when saying goodbye by yelling out, "Call me if you have time next week and we'll go out. You know, check on me. I could be dead up there!"
- posted by Taunia @ 7:26 PM