Greta Garbo, I *SO* know what you meant, sister.

Well, this has been a most assy week.

Let's see...where to begin? Where to begin. Let me start off with the good stuff so I can just go no-holds barred into some full-out bitching.

Wes has been here for the past week and it's been nice having him. There's no doubt we rock solid when he's doing his thang. We had a really rockin' gig at the Crescent Dragon Gallery Cafe, where we almost had to turn people away at a sold-out show. We were "on" and despite me not feeling well and Ben being in a full-out cold disaster, we sounded great. I was also really happy to see Christine, my good friend (aka stalker) Pat, and a bunch of my hometown pals there. It was a concert AND a reunion!! Good times.

And there, my friends, ends the good times.

Fast forward to the end of the gig when I go to pick up the dough from the owner. Now pay CLOSE ATTENTION to what this man (Dopey) said to ME - your favorite DIVA:

Dopey: "You sounded really good tonight."
DIVA: "Thanks, I appreciate that."
Dopey: "No, really. You sounded really good. Much better, um, different than last time."
DIVA: (at that point wondering just where he was going....)
Dopey: "Have you been practicing?"

Let me repeat that for you:

"Have you been PRACTICING?"

Have I been WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT?

Ok, maybe all 3 of you readers out there don't understand how fucking MAJORLY INSULTING this is, but let me explain. That's something that you say to an amature. I FUCKING TEACH VOICE. Yeah, I practive every fucking day because I thank God every second that I can sing and I take very, very good care of my instrument. But what the FUCK??? He may have well finished with "Well, keep at it! You're getting better."

Oh fuck. It seriously took every ounce of restraint I had to not have at it with him. I just looked at him, took the money, got up and left. Fucker.

I suppose it's good to be humbled every now and then, but GEEEZUS, come ON.

And the week just keeps getting better kids....

Fighting with EVERYONE:

*I fought with my mom and sister because they're both being jackasses to my Dad.

*I had a couple words with some students who didn't pay me when they were supposed to (a re-occuring situation that I *must* fix).

*I fought with the band over something that I felt pretty justified in bringing up, but was the only one to see so I ended up looking like a fuckwad.

*I fought with Mr. X because - well, just because he just can't ever get it right and I'm tired of his bullshit.

*I fought with AT&T because I just sent those bastards $212.80 over 2 weeks ago and they STILL haven't posted it and are threatening to shut off my phone.

*I'm currently fighting (well, struggling) with the band over $$ because we have to come up with nearly $6000 and we have oooooooooohh, $45.00. This was right after finding out that we didn't get into the conference that was supposed to propel us into working full-time. The band's finances are being run like our personal finances and let me assure you - that ain't good. We're banking on the hope that we'll be able to fundraise and find money other ways, yet there's a date that's been set for recording and it's now moving in on us fast and we still have NO money. I wasn't in favor of the month we chose from the beginning and now I'm feeling stressed about finding money. I don't want to be stressed about band finances - I'm stressed about my own! That, coupled with a feeling of zero control and zero sleep and zero ambition makes me want to just give the fuck up and be an old lady who lives with her parents. My life is a constrant struggle with money and I JUST. CAN'T. STRUGGLE. with the band's finances too. I just CAN'T. I can feel my blood pressure rising as I write this.

I seriously need a vacation. I need to be far away from everyone, lying on a beach doing absolutely nothing for a week. I want everyone and everything to go away. I want to be alone.
- posted by Taunia @ 4:03 PM (0) comments

 
DAYS WHEN I'M GLUED TO THE TV


Like a 12 yr old girl, I'm so happy. IT'S BACK!!
- posted by Taunia @ 9:49 AM (0) comments

 
RAINMAN/KEEPING CONTROL/THE GYM, MOM & ME

Has anyone else noticed that little bar for Classmates.com has a chick that looks EXACTLY like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie?? I wish I could find that damn banner, but I can't. Next time you're surfin' round and see a little Classmates banner, take a look and Rainman in drag will be staring right at ya.

I've been feeling pretty upbeat lately and it pisses me off. Why? Because I know that the reason I'm feeling upbeat is because Mr. X and I are in a good place again and happy to be with each other. The reason that pisses me off is because I promised myself that I was able to handle it being just what it is: a relationship that will NEVER become something substantial with a commitment. Feeling all elated and happy means that I'm attached to him again, and that ain't good because I lose control when that happens.

I'm making a serious effort to not let that happen. Ok, I know how seriously fucked up that sounds, but there has to be a clear separation in my head and heart for this to work and for me to be open to the possibility of meeting someone else. I enjoy spending time with him, he makes me laugh, we have great conversation and amazing sex. I had a choice of either NEVER having any of that with him, or having it with him in a limited capacity with very strict guidelines that I impose upon myself.

Some people see this as settling, and in part I'm sure I am. I feel alone when I'm not with him at all and I miss *touch*. I don't mean that in a sexual way, I mean I miss being touched in an affectionate way. He's very affectionate and always made me feel attractive by telling me how sexy and beautiful I am...and I know he meant it. With all of his faults, when he's with me, he makes me feel wanted.

The two of us came to a point where we could not meet. I wanted to marry him, and to be part of his life. He wanted to be with me, but not with that heavy commitment. He couldn't let me go and I couldn't let him go.

So, now it comes down to me being able to deal with it as it is. So far so good....but the elated/goofy and happy feeling gets me nervous because I worry about turning into an emotional basket case again. I want to make sure that doesn't happen, so I'm going to not see him at all this week. I need to make sure that I am able to do that without going nuts.

Unrelated, my mom and I are joining a gym today. You know when you start going to the gym with your Mom, that you're pushing it age-wise. That's what I'll be doing with my free evenings this week. Wish me luck!


- posted by Taunia @ 2:40 PM (0) comments

 
ME, ME, ME

I love this shit! Here's a quiz to see how well you know me....or at least the very basics of me:

TAKE THE DIVATAUNIA QUIZ

Go on now....make me proud!
- posted by Taunia @ 4:30 PM (0) comments

 
THE BIG BLACK HOLE OF ENERGY

So, how are those freezing temps going for ya? For anyone not in the Boston area, it's been like -20 degrees below freezing for the past week. When you talk, the words form in front of your face in giant ice letters. No shit. I swear. I've been sleeping with a space heater about two inches from my face every night because I sleep in the coldest bedroom in all of America.

I thought I'd recap my weekend for ya basically because I've got nothing better to write about. So here goes:

Thursday night, we had a split gig at Ryles with Ball In The House. This was a real last minute thing, and none of us were really looking forward to it because the sound at Ryles BLOWS. In addition to that, we knew the majority of the crowd were young girls there to see their favorite boy band and had little to no interest in a band with chicks. (This, of course, does not include Ariana and her gang - the coolest group of folks EVER. So supportive, they sing along, great kids. God bless em!)

Me workin' it with a BITH member. I really wanted to just bop him over the head for holding up our sound check.

We were told by BITH that our sound check was at 6:00. At 6:45, 15 minutes before the doors opened, BITH were finally done with theirs and we were able to do the world's fastest check. I was totally annoyed by this because they were REALLY unprofessional. None of them seemed to have a clue on how to run their own system, and then they'd SCREAM the most annoying vocal riffs into the mics CONSTANTLY. I cannot even put into words how incredibly annoying it was to 1) listen to that vocal crap 2) have our check 45 mins late and 3) be made to feel like our sound check didn't mean squat. The more annoying thing is that indiviudally, I like them all as people - but their unprofessional behavior made me harbor bad feelings towards them. Gah.

We got up onstage and it was like a big, black hole sucked every ounce of energy from us and from the entire room. I felt like I was trying to move in mud and everything was moving in slow motion. Of course, I've been sick with a cold (courtesy of the Christmas flu I had), so that could have been part of it.

Anyhow, Mr. X came to see the show. He and I have an understanding about our relationship now and it is what it is. Basically, that means we see each other, but should the man of my dreams come along - I am free to go out with him. I personally wish he were the man of my dreams, but he'll never be comfortable with that and I'll say it again: it is what it is.

Friday I met up with two old friends for dinner. I hadn't seen these gals in a LONG time, and I just had such a great time with them. Really genuine people. My friend B just got engaged and had the most gigantic rock I have EVER seen on her hand. I'm happy for her. She actually met him through the online personals - so that gave me hope for the dating future of me and my other single female friends. It's always nice to see old friends and have that instant reminder of why you were friends in the first place. Things just seem comfortable and fun, and you know they're good people to have in your life.

Saturday night I went to Shah's holiday party with him. He was SO excited about it! Shah is like a little kid waiting for Christmas when he looks forward to something. He gets all antsy and you can see him physically shaking with anticipation. He wanted me to go so we could swing dance and be hep cats at the party. Well, after all of that anticipation, the DJ sucked, there was barely any dancing and every person at the party was glued to the TV set playing the Patriots game. Lame-O. I had a nice time, though. I just felt bad for Shah.

Sunday we had rehearsal for most of the day. We're pushing ourselves to learn and write new stuff - which makes me happy. I get bored pretty easily and have tried being patient with the material we have now, but it's left me feeling uneasy. Our rehearsal schedule (1 afteroon a week) really impedes our learning process - especially since we have a lot of gigs on the weekends. I'm just happy we're learning new stuff.

So, that's it. That's all I've got for ya. I probably shouldn't have even bothered writing...but I had a few minutes to kill and there you have it.

Stay toasty!

- posted by Taunia @ 11:02 AM (0) comments

 
BELATED WISHES / I DON'T WANT TO BE HER ANYMORE

Ok, first off: HAPPY BIRTHDAY (yesterday Jan 6) AMY!

I was just about the only one to not give my girl props, so rather than be a shit, my timing's just bad now. Hope it was a good day for you! Party on, Garth.

TODAY....

I got on the elevator today with a woman who made me very sad for both her and myself. I feel bad saying that actually ABOUT her, but she just represented everything that I am scared of. She was very overweight. VERY overweight. I would guess her height to be about 5'8" or so because she was around my height. I would guess her weight to be anywhere between 400-450 lbs. She walked very slowly with a cane, was gasping for air (wheezing), and was generally pretty miserable. (I said hello getting onto the elevator and she ignored me even though I know she heard me).

The thing is, I was overwhelmed with emotions when I saw her. I felt very sorry for her because of her condition and because I knew she was suffering because of her weight. I was then immediately angry at myself for having pity for her because of her weight - I felt like I was judging her. But mostly, I was just scared by her. I was scared that this would be me: unable to walk properly, breathing poorly, and generally just unkept and unhappy.

It's scary because I know how very easy it would be to get to that point. Losing weight is incredibly difficult, gaining is incredibly easy. I can gain 5-10 lbs in a two week span when I'm not paying attention. Imagine if I didn't pay attention for a year? For two years? I could easily be that woman.

I *am* that woman to some people. I'm sure some people look at me and my weight and think how unhealthy I am and feel sorry for me. Usually it's the "oh, she's so pretty...too bad she's heavy." I don't want to be her anymore.

I try not to talk about weight issues too often because 1) I think it bores you and 2) it's very emotional. It's constantly there and won't go away. I have to ALWAYS be thinking about my weight, be thinking about what I should eat, be thinking about how I can exercise. Imagine being totally consumed by that every hour, every day, every week, every year. That is my life because my weight problems will NEVER go away.

I hope to someday reach my goals. I'm still working on it, although I won't post about it her until I reach another significant point. The only thing that keeps me from getting depressed is knowing that I'm trying. I'm not perfect. I screw up, I have faults...but I try. Dammit, I try.
- posted by Taunia @ 4:02 PM (0) comments

 
HAPPY NEW YEAR!



2004

Rather than make up a list of shit that I'll never do this year, I'm just going to sum it up by saying I'm going to make this a year of self-improvement and trying to me some happy. 2003 pretty much blew, so there's nowhere to go but up!

New Year's Eve started out poorly, but eventually ended up being really fun. I was CrabZilla because I had my period and I was crampy and sick to my stomach and of course pissing and moaning. I tell you this so you can get an accurate idea of what a fucking DIVA I was when we got to our gig.

The first mishap was driving to Worcester First Night and trying to find where we were performing. The directions had us take an exit off the highway and then said "drive until you see the festivities." That was it - end of directions. Say WHAT? Could they be LESS specific??? Amy and I drove together and she drove while I navigated. I fully admit (and this is well documented and known) that I am NOT good with maps...my brain just will not compute for some reason when I look at them. That being said, I was pretty useless trying to guide us to wherever the fuck we were supposed to be. We eventually found it after driving all over downtown Worcester and then asking a cop. I was annoyed.

We got there and no one seems to know anything. It appears they only hired people over the age of 70 with no social skills to give out information. Eventually a dude brought us to where we had to be and when we walked in, we nearly passed out. We may as well have been in Indiana Jones' Temple of Doom. This was a GIGANTIC STONE ROOM that could have easily doubled as a train station or nuclear war shelter. Now, if you don't know much about sound issues I'll let you know that this room was an acoustical NIGHTMARE. Clearly the people booking these types of things know nothing about acoustics or just don't give a rat's patootie.

We did our sound check and knew there was no way to salvage the sound, so we came to the decision that if it was going to sound like ass, it was at least going to be a loud ass. We cranked up the volume. I was annoyed still.

So, we have two sets that evening which meant that we were singing for nearly two hours. Most venues plan ahead for that kind of thing and supply WATER for their performers - in particular vocalists - but nooooooooooo. No water. Nowhere. I asked Grandma and Grandpa First Night info shleps and they said there was no water, but I could go down the street to the CVS and get some. I said in a very snotty voice "I'm not travelling for water."

I've been trying VERY hard to cut out sugar from my diet. (There's a reason I'm telling you this) I've been doing really well not having it at all and feel like I've really accomplished something good for my health. Sugar is like crack to me, though. Once I have it - I cannot stop. So, after being told there was no water my only alternative was ginger ale from the soda machine- which has tons of sugar. I through a hissy fit over that because I was annoyed that I was being forced to drink this when I had worked so hard to get it out of my system.

Eventually a very nice gal brought us some water, but not after I had bitched and moaned about it to anyone with ears AND drank almost 2 cans of ginger ale. We decided that we have to ALWAYS have water in our contract now. Oy.

Despite the acoustic nightmare we faced, the show(s) went well. I thought we performed great and we had a huge crowd. People were a little hestitant at first (probably since they were being blown away by the sonic noise they were faced with), but eventually really got into it. We sold a ton of CDs and a lot of people came over to tell us how much they enjoyed it. By the end of the night, I felt a lot better and was in a great mood.

After the show, we jumped in the cars and headed out towards Swampscott. I was fussy (and probably annoying to Amy - so sorry Amy!) about going. I was in full-out Diva-mode courtesy of Mother Nature, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to drive all the way out to Swampscott only to have everyone leaving as we got there. I eventually felt guilty about not going and agreed to go as planned.

I'm glad I did.

I had a GREAT time. The party was thrown by our friend Nancy and her husband Whiskey. Whiskey's band was playing and Ben and I each sat in and did a tune with them. I did "All of Me" and Ben did "Summertime." The interesting thing is that I never really get to hear Ben sing because he's doing his vocal percussion thing all the time. I have to say, I really, really love his voice. He's got one of those super-cool, laid-back but really high impact voices. It's just smooooooth.

Ben then proceeded to sit in and play drums too. So, let's review. Ben plays:

-Piano
-Violin
-Does Vocal Percussion
-Sings
-Plays Drum Kit

Amy and I were like, "what CAN'T he do?" So we started joking around saying, "need an atom split? No problem!" The kid's super-fucking talented and a real sweet guy on top of that. It's nice to know him and be around him. But he makes me sick with all that talent.

The party was a test for my will-power because there was tons of booze and food there. I successfully avoided any more sugar and had nothing to drink except water. I felt very victorious that I didn't chow down on the butterscotch cookies that were screaming my name from the table.

Another part of the party which I found amusing and revolting at the same time was this guy that we'll just call DUDE. DUDE was obnoxious. He was talking to me and Amy walked in and he said, "I like HER!" All the while, staring at her chest like he was about to dig into a juicy steak. Yuck. I mean, Amy's got a great rack - but have some class, yo.

Anyhow - he was just gross. He was there with Nancy's neighbor as her date/boyfriend and hitting on EVERYONE in the room. He pulled me up on the dance floor and started rubbing up on me like a dog in heat until I told him to beat it. He also did this crazy dance by himself which I repeated for Ben, Amy and Nancy later after he had left and we all found that quite amusing.

Overall, though, the crowd there were very friendly and fun. The guys in the band were really happy to be playing, and I think any party where people sit and and play is a good one. It was a fun time. Good times.

I'm back from Crankville and in retrospect realize that despite all of the obstacles and oddities it was a great night. I am very lucky to be able to sing and make money at these types of things, and I'm also very lucky to know such great people. Amy, Ben, Shah, Nancy and Whiskey made the year 2003 come to a nice close for me - and I thank them for that.

Here's to a prosperous and happy 2004!





- posted by Taunia @ 9:53 AM (0) comments