RAINMAN/KEEPING CONTROL/THE GYM, MOM & ME

Has anyone else noticed that little bar for Classmates.com has a chick that looks EXACTLY like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie?? I wish I could find that damn banner, but I can't. Next time you're surfin' round and see a little Classmates banner, take a look and Rainman in drag will be staring right at ya.

I've been feeling pretty upbeat lately and it pisses me off. Why? Because I know that the reason I'm feeling upbeat is because Mr. X and I are in a good place again and happy to be with each other. The reason that pisses me off is because I promised myself that I was able to handle it being just what it is: a relationship that will NEVER become something substantial with a commitment. Feeling all elated and happy means that I'm attached to him again, and that ain't good because I lose control when that happens.

I'm making a serious effort to not let that happen. Ok, I know how seriously fucked up that sounds, but there has to be a clear separation in my head and heart for this to work and for me to be open to the possibility of meeting someone else. I enjoy spending time with him, he makes me laugh, we have great conversation and amazing sex. I had a choice of either NEVER having any of that with him, or having it with him in a limited capacity with very strict guidelines that I impose upon myself.

Some people see this as settling, and in part I'm sure I am. I feel alone when I'm not with him at all and I miss *touch*. I don't mean that in a sexual way, I mean I miss being touched in an affectionate way. He's very affectionate and always made me feel attractive by telling me how sexy and beautiful I am...and I know he meant it. With all of his faults, when he's with me, he makes me feel wanted.

The two of us came to a point where we could not meet. I wanted to marry him, and to be part of his life. He wanted to be with me, but not with that heavy commitment. He couldn't let me go and I couldn't let him go.

So, now it comes down to me being able to deal with it as it is. So far so good....but the elated/goofy and happy feeling gets me nervous because I worry about turning into an emotional basket case again. I want to make sure that doesn't happen, so I'm going to not see him at all this week. I need to make sure that I am able to do that without going nuts.

Unrelated, my mom and I are joining a gym today. You know when you start going to the gym with your Mom, that you're pushing it age-wise. That's what I'll be doing with my free evenings this week. Wish me luck!


- posted by Taunia @ 2:40 PM