BELATED WISHES / I DON'T WANT TO BE HER ANYMORE

Ok, first off: HAPPY BIRTHDAY (yesterday Jan 6) AMY!

I was just about the only one to not give my girl props, so rather than be a shit, my timing's just bad now. Hope it was a good day for you! Party on, Garth.

TODAY....

I got on the elevator today with a woman who made me very sad for both her and myself. I feel bad saying that actually ABOUT her, but she just represented everything that I am scared of. She was very overweight. VERY overweight. I would guess her height to be about 5'8" or so because she was around my height. I would guess her weight to be anywhere between 400-450 lbs. She walked very slowly with a cane, was gasping for air (wheezing), and was generally pretty miserable. (I said hello getting onto the elevator and she ignored me even though I know she heard me).

The thing is, I was overwhelmed with emotions when I saw her. I felt very sorry for her because of her condition and because I knew she was suffering because of her weight. I was then immediately angry at myself for having pity for her because of her weight - I felt like I was judging her. But mostly, I was just scared by her. I was scared that this would be me: unable to walk properly, breathing poorly, and generally just unkept and unhappy.

It's scary because I know how very easy it would be to get to that point. Losing weight is incredibly difficult, gaining is incredibly easy. I can gain 5-10 lbs in a two week span when I'm not paying attention. Imagine if I didn't pay attention for a year? For two years? I could easily be that woman.

I *am* that woman to some people. I'm sure some people look at me and my weight and think how unhealthy I am and feel sorry for me. Usually it's the "oh, she's so pretty...too bad she's heavy." I don't want to be her anymore.

I try not to talk about weight issues too often because 1) I think it bores you and 2) it's very emotional. It's constantly there and won't go away. I have to ALWAYS be thinking about my weight, be thinking about what I should eat, be thinking about how I can exercise. Imagine being totally consumed by that every hour, every day, every week, every year. That is my life because my weight problems will NEVER go away.

I hope to someday reach my goals. I'm still working on it, although I won't post about it her until I reach another significant point. The only thing that keeps me from getting depressed is knowing that I'm trying. I'm not perfect. I screw up, I have faults...but I try. Dammit, I try.
- posted by Taunia @ 4:02 PM