WHEN HE WAS PART OF MY LIFE

When I was in college, I had a lot of emotional turmoil and just general growing-up to do. Luckily, I also met my first love - Jake - who proved to be a major influence in my life. He probably didn't know it at the time, and I certainly didn't know it - but the two years we spent together had a really profound affect on my life and it's direction.

Even though I was much thinner than I am now, I was
incredibly insecure about my looks. I thought I was unattractive, enormous, and that no one would ever really love me. It's really no surprise that I felt that way, because my family and society told me that I couldn't possibly be loved if I was heavy. Then Jake came along.

The funny thing is, he asked me out at the most unfortunate moment: I was in between classes, had a dollar to my name, bought a candy bar for lunch and just as I had a giant mouthful of snickers...he said my name and asked me out. If a man loves you with a mouthful of snickers, you know he's good people.

Jake loved me for me. He never once made me feel unattractive and constantly complemented me. There was never any bullshit with him - he was a straight-shooter - so you knew whatever he said, he meant. I loved that about him, and I loved that he saw things in me that I couldn't see in myself.

Although I had listened to jazz before, I really had no direction with it until I met him. He was very serious about music and practiced a LOT. He bought me my first Clifford Brown album: Study In Brown. I love that album. For those of you who don't know, Clifford Brown was an amazing bebop trumpet player who died tragically young at 25 in a car crash, but who's music made a huge impact in the world of jazz. I heard that album and fell in love. To this day, if I was stranded on an island and could have only one CD with me, that would be it.

He kicked my ass musically. I would sometimes slack off, and he reminded me how easy things came to me while he had to work his ass off and that I shouldn't take that for granted. It was true. I didn't study a lot of theory because ear training and aural things came very naturally to me. He pushed me to better myself in the areas that I was weak in, and I did.

He never sugar-coated things for me, and that was probably the most loving thing he could have done for me musically. I remember one year for Valentine's Day, I had worked on this arrangement of My Funny Valentine that Sarah Vaughan had done. It was very difficult vocally, and I had a little hissy fit before the show. I didn't think I could pull it off. He very firmly told me to get it together and stop being ridiculous. I remember thinking that he was a little harsh, but something he said affected me. I went out on stage and gave one of my best performances EVER. After the show, he ran down the hall yelling "You did it! You did it!" He was so excited and he hugged me and told me how great it was. I'll never forget how proud he was, and how loving that moment was. To this day, I'll always be thankful to him for for that, because I know my shit and I'm pretty confident that vocally I'll pull almost anything off... and instrumentalists take me seriously and respect me because of that.

The most important thing he ever said to me, though, was always in my most low, depressed moments: that if I wanted my life to be better, I had to make changes. Without ME making a change, then life would stay the same and I would always be unhappy. Pretty straight-forward and obvious, but when you're depressed, it's hard to see that changes CAN be made. And the most important change was one that I didn't even do - he did. He broke up with me after two years.

That was a really tough period for me, because he was the first man to love me, and he was the first man I loved. Looking back, I know I was WAY too needy - he was everything to me, and all of my plans and every day of my life was planned around him because I really had nothing of my own going on. It's really funny to think that I used to be like that, actually, because I'm the complete opposite now.

I was devasted when he broke up with me, but now I know it was probably the best thing he could have ever done for me. When I realized he wasn't coming back, I hit the practice rooms. I stayed in there for hours learning piano, music theory, and practicing. And you know what? I can read/play anything you put in front of me now. Not the most stylistic player, but I'm a damn good sightreader. Those hours spent in the practice rooms could have been spent crying in my bed, but I knew that was not where I should be. I needed to make changes, and things only got better musically for me.

I continue to live by that rule: I have to make changes if I'm not happy. For the past few months, I realized that I was constantly struggling between my day job and music, that I was exhausted, and very unhappy. Both are full time jobs, and I just couldn't work 7 days a week anymore. The safe thing to do would be cut back on music. The BSO/day job has great benefits, a regular paycheck....but it wouldn't make me happy because I sit at a desk all day long crunching numbers.

So, I wrote a proposal to my bosses and I cut back my hours at the BSO (my day job). I somehow negotiated working Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday at the hall and keeping ALL my benefits. They're being incredibly understanding and supportive, and I'm glad I took the initiative to make that happen.

Part of the reason to cut back on my hours was because I decided to take on more students. I know that I am a good teacher, I enjoy it, and I feel like I'm able to use my skills as a vocalist to inspire other people. (I also make twice as much money per hour teaching voice) I now teach on Monday and Wednesday nights, and a full day on Thursday. I have Fridays off because my weekends are usually spent working and traveling with the band. Am I happy about this? Hell yeah. Change is good, and my income and work are under my terms and wants/needs. There's lots of good things happening musically, and all because I made some changes.

Jake and I don't talk any more. I ask friends about him from time to time. He lives in California with his girlfriend and has become really successful as a marching band director and music educator. I'm happy for him, because I know how much of a positive impact he can be on people.

He'll probably never know how much he added to my life, but I'll always be thankful that he was part of it.