AND IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER...

Ah, reviews. Had the first half of mine today, and the second half tomorrow. You know how I'm always saying that I'm going to get fired and then I don't actually get fired? Yeah, that's not this time. Well, sorta.

My review went pretty much as expected. My boss really likes me, and vice versa, and she was visibly uncomfortable having to talk to me. My absences are a big problem. I already knew that. The thing is, my personal life shouldn't interrupt my work life...and they really can only extend me a certain amount of understanding. She's been very understanding and done a lot to help me out, and I pretty much threw it in her face because I was upset. We had some discussion about it, and the final result was that I've got three months to get back to a place where my performance and attendance is satisfactory or I'm going to be out the door. I just felt bad because I know after I left she thought I wasn't appreciative of the things she's done to help...so I sent her an email and told her that I did and I'm sorry if it seemed otherwise. I think it's a little too late, though.

I couldn't even cry about this. I feel like I'mjust getting battered left and right by life. As Amy says, "I. Get. It!" I just felt defensive. I feel like I'm always on the defensive now. I'm physically and emotionally drained. What I actually wanted to do was drag Mr. X up to my review and have HIM explain why I had a lot of absences...but really, what's the point? I'm just not happy. I'm not happy there because I'm not doing music. I'm stuck at a desk crunching numbers and having to play the political game. You know, define "goals" and pretend that I don't know they're all having meetings about me. It's just ridiculous and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of the rules, I'm tired of having to answer to 8 different people, I'm tired of meetings and memos and watching the clock and all the backstabbing and undermining that goes on. I'm just TIRED. I don't want my life to be a carbon copy of Office Space.



Unfortunately, I'm still not financially in a place where I can task a risk and go back full-time to teaching. I'd also miss working at the BSO. Beyond the politics, I like most of the people there and have made a lot of friends. There are only a few bad seeds that spoil the bunch. (My boss P is not one of them, but unfortunately she's on the opposite team than me right now)

I just want some GOOD, ya know? Something nice or romantic or lucky to happen. I've always thought of myself as a pretty positive person, but the universe is sucking the life right the hell out of me. I want my happiness back. I don't really care about the job, I want my happiness.

I need a plan.
- posted by Taunia @ 10:02 PM