PATHETIC

I was there today. I had some business to do: drop off a deposit at my credit union before swinging by the hospital to pick up my old-lady meds. I knew there was a possibility of seeing him, and I knew if I saw him I'd be a mess. So I did what I could to avoid him.

I was just about to get on the elevator and he walked in. I didn't even catch his eye, but I heard his voice and knew he saw me. Shit.

I don't understand it. This is a man who has treated me like I'm insignificant. Tossed me aside and said cruel things to me without thinking twice. Cheated on me over and over again, and yet I still love him. And I hate him. And I hate myself for being so ridiculously pathetic. And still, I'm sitting here typing about him. Giving him space and words that he doesn't deserve.

I think the worst part about it is that I always have this tiny glimmer of hope that he'll come around and do something dramatic. And chilvalrous. And bold. And courageous. This is the man I wanted to marry. When he was good to me, he was really good to me. I'm surprised I can remember, though. He's not that man anymore.

Now he's retiring. I saw the sign on the wall today. His party is Thursday and I wasn't invited. I wouldn't go even if I was. The sign just drove home what I've been dreading all along, though. He'll retire and move and I'll never see him again. And even though it's the best possible way for me to move on and get over him, I'm devasted.

His world doesn't involve me, but mine is a constant struggle to move on without him in it. I love him and I hate him, and I'll never see him again.
- posted by Taunia @ 5:56 PM