GETTING OLDER AND STAKING MY TERRITORY

I've always been the girl who fits the "life of the party" mold. I'm outgoing, reasonably funny, LOUD, and flirtatious. I have always been happy to play that role, because I could show people that despite my weight, you want to be with me. Admittedly, I like being the center of attention, but mainly because I like to make people laugh and see them having a good time.

My attitude and personality type have always garnered me some attention from the boys too. I was always very confident and my confidence paid off with them. They were attracted to a heavy girl who was fairly pretty and a lot of fun to be with. I liked that I broke the stereotype of what was attractive and sexy.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is because I recently realized I'm not the attention-getting "party-girl" anymore, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Note: All of the names in the following situation have been changed to protect the innocent!

Recently, I was out with my friend and we'll call him Senior P. Senior P and I have recently become good friends. He's a few years younger than me, but the age difference isn't really an issue because we have a lot in common and get along famously. I consider Senior P one of my close pals and I really enjoy being with him because his youthfulness is infectious and I always have a great time when I'm around him.

So, Senior P and I were out with some other friends closer to his age at a bar where they only ID'd me so I wouldn't feel left out. At this particular bar, there was a sex-kitten type of gal who was ALL OVER HIM. She's gorgeous and I knew from the second we got there that she would be trying to hook up with him. They both gave each other plenty of attention. I should have been happy for Senior P because a pretty girl liked him. But guess what? I wasn't.

I was furious.

And even worse...I was jealous.

Jealous!

I tried to play it cool, but I had a little too much tequila in me and told Senior P afterwards that I thought Sex Kitten was not right for him (which I really do believe, but shouldn't have been so blunt about). I actually said a few other things I regretted and had to do damage control the next day with an apologetic email.

And can I tell you? I can't stand it...I...was....ridiculously jealous.

I had to do a lot of sorting out, and with the help of my best friend Suzanne (that IS her real name)came up with the correct reasons for my jealousy:

1) *I* want to be the Sex Kitten. I'm used to being the center of attention in situations like that and I was just ignored. By my good friend. God, that just SUCKED OUT LOUD. In Senior P's defense, he did his very best to hang with me, but Sex Kitten was just too persuasive and had him in her alluring grip. I just realized that I'm not alluring....and in that moment, I just wanted to be more alluring than HER. Her youth, beauty, and body won out over me. My personality couldn't hold a candle to that. Maybe it just can't anymore. Maybe my youth was part of what made ME alluring.

SIDEBAR: What's interesting here is that someone MY age could rock his world sexually because I know how to work it because ...well, because of experience and because I'm just a very sexual person. (Oh dear God, I hope my parents aren't reading this) She may appear to be sexy, but I know if we had a showdown I'd win that contest (hypothetically) hands-down . The thing is, the initial allure isn't there...because Sex Kitten's youth AND small curvy body will win out every time.

2) Territory. He's MY palie, and I wanted to spend time with him and this was the first real opportunity that we had to really hang together in a while. She just busted (literally) all in there and hugged up on Senior P. There was not a thing I could do and I was left to do nothing but watch my friend be seduced away from me. ACK! Just replaying it in my mind makes me sick with jealousy. GRRRRR. But what could I do?? "Uh, excuse me extremely sexy girl....please back away from Senior P so that he I and can enjoy some platonic friendship time together." Yeah, that DEFINITELY would have gone over well with him. I probably would have been evicted from my territory!

3) The realization that if they hit it off, that will mean Senior P will be spending more time with Sex Kitten, less time with me, and I'll have to HEAR ABOUT IT because I'm his friend. Normally it doesn't bother me and maybe it's because I've never actually had to fight for time with him in any other situation or actually witness any of this going down. Or maybe it's just because I'm closer to him now and it bothers me more. I don't know. I also know that I'm right about her not being right for him, but he can't see past the "pretty" to recognize that...although eventually he will.

What it all comes down to is jealousy. I hate this feeling. Hate, hate, hate it. I want him to be happy and I want him to feel sexy and wanted....but I also want for our friendship to continue. The platonic friend takes a backseat in these situations. I also don't want him thinking I'm some insane jealous girl...because I'm NOT and I think he likes that I'm not super-emotional about things a lot of girls are. I can't help it, though...I got emotional on this one.

No longer the life of the party, more like the adult chaperone having to watch a young relationship blossom.

Yuck.

God, the fact that I even wrote about this makes me totally uncool. Jealous and uncool. I gotta go sign up for the old-folks home, yo.
- posted by Taunia @ 2:10 AM