ARUBA, DOG POOP, AND HEARD IT ON THE RADIO

In case you didn't already know, I live next door to my parents. That's the trade-off I made in order to work PT at the Symphony and pursue music. It actually works out very well and is a win-win for both me and my parents. My dad charges me minimal rent which pretty much covers their mortgage, I have a decent place to live and still live alone (which I like), and I also feel like I'm at least investing in this house rather than giving some stranger my money for rent. All told, my parents and I have a great relationship and they respect my privacy and vice versa.

I am very similar to my dad - we both WORSHIP animals and in particular, dogs. I think I've filled you in before that my dad goes a little overboard (remember he BAKED THEM COOKIES???). The dogs know that the house is their kingdom, believe me.

Vicki is a Rottweiler and is beautiful, well-behaved, loving, and not at all fierce or scary as you'd expect a Rottie to be. Bailey, on the other hand is a fucking wreck. He's a black lab and he's HUGE. My dad got Bailey a few months after Maddie died last October (Maddie was also a black lab). Maddie was super-smart and the most amazing dog ever. Bailey? Dumb as a tree stump - completely retarded.

The dog can't sit still for two seconds. You can't ever pet him because he gets SO excited that he goes into convulsions when he sees you. He also keeps chewing up all my mothers things: her shoes, her books, etc. My dad decided to tell her that *I* took these things when she found out they were missing rather than get Bailey in trouble. Say WHAT?!?! Anyhow, the gig is up! I filled her in that Retardo has been eating all her stuff. I love the dog...I just want him to calm the fuck down.

So, fast forward to today when my parents and sister left at 4:30 for Aruba for 7 days. Guess who has to take care of the dogs? Yep, me. My dad decided to make a LIST for me with directions. When I rolled my eyes, he told me that he'd give me a break in the rent if I took care of all this. DONE!

The list is ridiculous, though. These dogs are PAMPERED. Here's the list...pay special attention to the one in bold:

1) Feed the dogs in the MORNING!!!!!!! (Note the extra exclamation marks. Good thing, because I may not have remember MORNING without them!)

2) Give them 2 cups of dry food and mix in half a can of dog food with the dry food. Then, make a beautiful hollandaise sauce and sautee' some onions to garnish. (Ok, I made that last part up)

3) Make sure they have plenty of water.

4) Give them a treat before you leave. (I wish someone would give ME a treat when I left!)

5) Make sure the dogs go out at night and close the back door when it gets dark...

(SKUNKS!)

What I forgot to mention is that Bailey the Wonder Mutt went right up to a skunk in our backyard at 2:00 in the morning and got sprayed face first. Of course, Vikki saw the skunk and said "HELL NO!" because she actually has a brain. That skunk smell invaded their house AND mine for a good 2.5 weeks.

Before leaving, my dad pulled out a bottle of "Skunk-Off" and said, "if they get sprayed, you have to wipe them down with this" to which I replied, "uh, NO amount of rent would have me go NEAR THEM if they're sprayed."

6) Feed the cat in the morning (1/2 can and 1/2 dry food). This is for Beannie, who is my cat that has to live with my parents because of my new adult onset allergies. My cat rocks the party, yo.

7) Give the rabbit a carrot of celery or lettuce and rabbit food. Make sure the rabbit has plenty of water.

Noticing a theme yet? Yep, it's like George fucking Orwell's animal farm over here. And I promise, everyone will be fully-hydrated.

8)GIVE THE DOGS LOTS OF LOVE AND ATTENTION!!!!!!!!

Oh, where do I even begin with this???

He actually SAT ME DOWN and explained that I need to SPEND TIME with the dogs...a few hours each night and tell them I love them and pet them, etc. Seriously?!? Then he told me that I have to bring them to my house so that they wouldn't be lonely. All of this is fine, I just couldn't help but think, "did you put this much prep into OUR care when you went away?!? NO! You left us with Aunt Evie: crazy bird and tire sale lady!

9) Check to make sure Bailey STAYS OUT OF TROUBLE.

Dude, if Bailey is awake, he's in trouble. I checked on them this morning, and he's already destroyed one of my mother's books. I had to put all books on high shelves and get rid of any footwear in site. It's going to be a destructive week.

HAVE A GREAT PET WEEK!!!!!!!

Love, DAD

P.S. Don't let the poop pile up. It's easier to pick it up daily.

Oh, lovely. Seriously, that's just fucking LOVELY. I didn't realize picking up dog poop was part of the deal. Bailey poops like a motherfucker and you know even though he's retarded, he'll be pooping his brains out JUST BECAUSE I have to pick it up. Cripes!

The dogs are fine, and I will take good care of them...the list just cracks me up. Plus, my mother and father reiterated these directions to me at least 3 times each yesterday. I said, "I'm not the one who's retarded, your dog is!" I joke a lot, but I do love Bailey...even with all his ridiculous antics.

Last night, my mom came over and told me she left me a chicken dinner in my fridge. I laughed and said, "did you think I wouldn't eat while you were away?"

So here I am on Friday morning, hanging out with the dogs, the cat, and the bunny and all is good. Thank God there's no pigs, or else the animals would be in control by tomorrow.**

**George Orwell reference.

BY THE WAY: We'll be on the radio this Saturday (what will the dogs do!?!) so check us out:

SATURDAY: 3:00 PM - WERS/88.9 FM
SATURDAY: 11:00 PM - WBZ/1030 AM

- posted by Taunia @ 10:23 AM