THE MEASURE OF SUCCESS

Tonight I'm sitting at my desk with mixed feelings. I'm elated and angry all at the same time. I've got two stories intertwining as one here, so I'll try to be as clear as possible so you can follow along.

First, I've decided to try the online dating thing again. I don't know if I'm a glutton for punishment or smart for keeping all my options open - that has yet to truly be determined. Anyhow, I had someone contact me who was attractive, extraordinarily cool, passionate (his word) about music - just seemed like a cool guy to get to know. Then came the kicker: he's 21. He's into dance and techo music (something I'm not) and started a label with a friend.

I immediately told him that I was not comfortable with the age difference, and when he asked if I could keep an open mind, I realized what a hypocritical asshole I would be if I didn't. I decided to talk to him, and for the past week or so we've had some great conversations. I told him about our gig in NJ this weekend and knew we'd talk all about it when I got home.

Our gig in NJ was another opener for GROOVELILY. There were hundreds of people there, the sound kicked righteous ass, and we sounded amazing and gave the best performance we ever have. At the gig was N, our hopeful-soon-to-be booking agent we've been in negotiations with for a year now.

Throughout the year N gave us numerous things to work on and change in the show - all of which we did to great response and great success. This performance was the decision-making performance for her, and I think she'd be hard-pressed to find anything wrong with it. It just felt so alive and so magical, and the audience reacted to that too. They were laughing, clapping, shouting out requests, just such an amazing bunch of people. They also bought tons and tons of merchandise from us.

We left the venue on the biggest high EVER, knowing that we kicked some New Jersey ass and feeling pretty damn good about it. We also got to stay in this BEAUTIFUL B & B called Les Laisons, whose motto is "Sleepovers for Grownups." If you're ever in the Maplewood, NJ area, look them up LES LAISONS. Ask for Art or Libby and tell them All About Buford sent you.

We got back to Boston today feeling really happy and knowing that we're part of something that's musically, emotionally, and hopefully soon financially rewarding.

As I knew, Mr. 21 IM'd me and asked me how the trip was. I told him all about it, and how happy I was. We then had a brief conversation about how great it would be to do music full time and make a liviing at it, and this conversation followed:

Mr. 21: a bird in the hand
Mr. 21 [9:46 PM]: or dont put all your eggs in one basket
Mr. 21 [9:46 PM]: and other assorted bird proverbs
Divataunia [9:48 PM]: what's up with the bird references?
Mr. 21 [9:48 PM]: why did i make other ones before
Divataunia [9:49 PM]: huh? you've totally confused me here
Mr. 21 [9:49 PM]: dont bet on the music
Mr. 21[9:49 PM]: thats what i was trying to say
Divataunia [9:49 PM]: wow. hmm. i'm just not even sure how to respond to that
Mr. 21 [9:50 PM]: oh
Mr. 21 [9:50 PM]: don't take that the wrong way
Mr. 21 [9:51 PM]: i'm not saying "your music sucks, keep your day job" I'm saying "sucess in the music business is finicky and often fleeting, keep your day job"

I was so taken aback by this - and as I told him, very disappointed. This was coming from someone who said that music was the only thing that mattered in his life, and that he was passionate about it. I told him that I was insulted.

The thing is, there's different things that upset me. First, he's 21 and I'm 32. I'm been paid as a vocalist since I was 18 yrs old (and as a trumpet player when I was 16). I've been working in the music business for 14 years, so to say that to me is just insulting. And yes, I DO have a day job, but I work IN the music business working with unions, contracts, work dues, annuities, etc with musicians and staff. AND, not only do I perform on a regular basis and get PAID for it, but I also do a ton of the behind the scenes business for the band as well. So, would you agree with me here that I just may possibly have a clue about how the business is?

Next, he's never seen or heard the band. He has no idea what kind of following we have, what type of music or appeal we have, what type of talent we have. None.

And lastly, there are people ready to shut me down ALL the time and tell me that music will never work and that it's just not a "career." As Amy said, people generally know that it's "a tough business" and therefore feel that they can offer an expert opinion that it won't work for me - and most of the time without me actually asking for their opinion. Sorry, but I have enough of that kind of thing to fight against on a daily basis and I'm certainly not going to invite someone into my life to tell me the same thing. I just refuse to have that type of person close to me now. My parents aren't even allowed to get away with that. (although they still try)

There seems to be a constant struggle with being a musician that has absolutely NOTHING to do with music: acceptance and support. I feel like I'm constantly battling with people about pursuing what I love. There's two different things: 1) the battle of "don't quit your dayjob"/ tough business and 2) the battle of fame vs. success.

There is really only one thing that makes me truly happy: music. I will not EVER give up on having that be a reality for me. I absolutely WILL NOT. I don't care if I have to work twenty tough-ass years to do it, I will. For me, sitting behind a desk is like waiting to die, and I don't want to be dying - I want to be living. I bust my ass, and as many friends and family who get pissed off at me for never being around, they could never argue that I'm not a hard worker. I am. I work really hard juggling work, bills, life, and a music career so that SOMEDAY, I will see the results of my hard work.

I don't want people to remind me of the security of insurance and 401 K plans and a regular paycheck. I don't want people to tell me that it's a "tough business." I want people to tell me that it's rare that someone pursues their ACTUAL dreams and good for me for doing it. If you can't say that, then shut the hell up.

Also, just for the record, FAME does NOT equal success. What people don't seem to understand is that for most musicians, years and years of hard work, struggling, and love go into building a career they can live off of. Not everyone gets handed a Brittany Spears life, and that doesn't equal success.

Success to me is doing what I love and making enough money to be comfortable. So many people go to work and complain about their jobs day in and day out. Sure, they make a lot of money, but they HATE their job. Is that success? Because if it is, I don't want any part of it.

Now, Mr. 21 didn't mean to be insulting. Of course he was just naive and foolish for saying what he did. I'm not really upset with him as much as I'm upset with the general notion that *I* can't do it and should play it safe.

I'd rather be poor, living in a box and singing than slaving at a desk crunching numbers and resenting my life.

- posted by Taunia @ 12:32 AM